Your role: To ensure that status quo with regard to the organisation’s role as an arm of government, a charity with HM The Queen as Patron, and as an opportunist commercial outfit with privileged use of diplomatic premises overseas, diplomatic status, and tax breaks, remains unchallenged. You will be given training in the mystical mantra of “at arm’s length”, and learn how to explain away the multiple undemocratic anomalies of the organisation’s structure and finances. You will be advised to see, hear and speak no evil.
Duties: As a British Council trustee you will be required to attend a few meetings a year where you will be offered a high standard of hospitality, including goujons of cod. In the unhappy event that you encounter any matter that might be considered controversial, or that you are contacted by an outsider who wishes to draw your attention to irregularities within the organisation, you are to forward everything to the Director-General / Chief Executive, who will do nothing. You should also turn a blind eye to any dubious practice you happen to hear of, and should avoid any discussion of the organisation’s ethics. You will be guaranteed the reassurance of the other trustees that you have done the right thing (and nobody really expects you to be accountable for the organisation anyway).
Qualifications: You should be British, and be able to demonstrate an unbroken record of toadying to the Establishment. Hillbillies of all persuasions are welcome to try but applicants should note that 80% of the present board are London residents.
Tip: The chairman of the board is a former leader of the Labour Party, and will be supporting Cardiff in the FA Cup Final.
Remuneration: No remuneration is offered for this task, but you will be made to feel important, and be assured that you are involved in vital work for Britain. You will also enjoy at least two overseas jollies per annum with first class travel and hotel arrangements, including unlimited champagne room service.
If you think you may be able to fit in, send your application to arrive no later than May 5th. Interviews will take place after the Cup Final. Interviewees, especially Portsmouth supporters, are advised to wear mourning.